


You were the magic of my life

by sunshine_kitcat (moonkevin)



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Angst, Childhood Memories, Crushes, First Love, How Do I Tag, M/M, doyoung went from forefront to mentioned so yeah he's not there rlly but his presence is, maybe fluff? it's not obvious
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-07
Updated: 2019-09-07
Packaged: 2020-10-11 12:02:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20545847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonkevin/pseuds/sunshine_kitcat
Summary: On his first visit, Jisung met someone.Someone who would change his life forever.An orphan, much like him, except without magic. A child of the library, who grew up with magic all around them—except for their own hands. Renjun was a soothing presence to Jisung, protective and listening, full of advice and wisdom despite only being four years older. As someone who has barely lived half of that length, Jisung thought Renjun was very, very cool.





	You were the magic of my life

Caritas.

The black and white streets of a rich noble part of the city of Arx, lined with colourful people and colourful flowers. They adorn the estates and public buildings with a gentle kind of caress, like a warm wind on a chilly day, bringing life to an otherwise cold part of town. The people were impeccably diverse, with everyone ranging from shallow spoiled brats to hardworking, determined nobles. Wardens in their navy blue uniform line every street and corner of the mini-town, their ranks a mix of every background. If admitted into the rigorous training program of the Wardens, even lowly peasants could hope to gain the status of low-ranking nobles. Certainly not a bad way of life, even if one is more or less prone to the frequent assassination attempts and wild feral beasts from failed summonings of the nearby Library of Magic. At the heart of Caritas, the Library stood tall and majestic, its halls covered in grimoires and books, littered with reading rooms and enchantment rooms ready for any magic-user. 

About two blocks away, the Cicada Mansion stood tall up on the hillside. The famed cicadas of its gardens, which were there year-round, gave the mansion its nickname. Jisung’s adopted father’s great grandfather had enchanted the mansion with the song of the Cicadas, for his wife and daughter, who adored summer. Jisung now sits in the middle of the garden, receiving private schooling on his more, ah, magic-oriented subjects. Mark has a quill out, hands waving magic letters from the ordinary feather and onto the air. Jisung learns of anything and everything under the sun with Mark. A tutor and a teacher, yet sometimes he even feels like an older brother.

Sometimes, Jisung wonders about his biological parents and feels a stab of guilt for not knowing them. Then their butler, Doyoung, would call for his attention during a scolding and his guilt fades. Doyoung was like his mother, although the professions were of different genders. His adopted father was amazing in his own right too. The Chancellor of Magic, yet his busy workload never meant he had no time to play or simply talk with Jisung. It was as if Taeyong knew no rest. 

When he turned 8, Jisung had finally been allowed to come to the library, even if Taeyong insisted he takes Donghyuck, their personal guard.

On his first visit, Jisung met someone.

Someone who would change his life forever.

An orphan, much like him, except without magic. A child of the library, who grew up with magic all around them—except for their own hands. Renjun was a soothing presence to Jisung, protective and listening, full of advice and wisdom despite only being four years older. As someone who has barely lived half of that length, Jisung thought Renjun was very, very cool.

The next person Jisung meets is Chenle, who quickly becomes his best friend. Chenle is loud where Jisung is quiet, and they floated around each other like butterflies to flowers.

Jaemin came next, with his bright smile and Doyoung-like motherly touch. It’s amazing, how Jisung finds so many parental figures in the short span of his life. 

Together, the three introduces Jisung to the head librarian, Taeil. He’s a tired magic-user, with bags under his eyes and a mug of oolong tea in his hand at all times. He leaves the back door open to the library all the time, knowing how Taeyong was rarely home even after all the staff has left for the day. 

Jisung spends nights with Chenle and Renjun, the library orphans. His early days are nothing but memories of Renjun reading Chenle and him stories after stories, falling asleep on the elder’s stomach with Chenle squished between them. His best friend and his crush. Renjun’s voice was like honey to his ears, and Chenle’s whispered notes about the story were always unknowingly ignored in favour of staring at his favourite hyung. 

Jisung wonders what it’ll be like to sit on Renjun’s lap, hold Renjun’s hand and be patted by Renjun on his head as Renjun reads.

Taeyong never shows up at his accomplishments events. Jisung’s eyes always wander the crowd for a glimpse of magic-infused red hair, but he never finds it. He touches his own reddening hair in thought. Long term exposure to magic ages a person’s mind significantly, so even if Jisung is trapped in a body of an 8-year-old, he’s capable of thinking like a teen. Unfortunately, thinking like a teen still isn’t enough for him to stop being heartbroken at the lack of his dad. Renjun and Chenle make up for the loss, cheering extra loud in the crowd, or holding up an extra-large banner just for him. Jisung’s eyes wander to Chenle first, gratitude in his chest. Then he locks eyes with Renjun, and gratitude becomes pride. Renjun seeing him at his best. Renjun smiling his proud brotherly smile at Jisung.

Jisung wonders if he can see that smile forever.

.

.

.

_/\\_

( 0 ~ 0 )

.

.

.

Underneath all the boring lessons with Mark are past memories in Jisung’s gigantic head.

There’s training with Jeno, his overenthusiastic familiar-turned-human combat trainer. Days of blue skies and unbearable heat, the scent of dust and dirt clinging onto Jisung’s clothes. His sweat cascades across his neck as Jeno yells orders at him. Renjun and Chenle drop by sometimes, with a bag of snacks and water from Kun. There are sounds of clanging swords and exploding spells from sunrise to sunset. Jisung’s pants are drowned in cheers of success when he cuts down a new illusionary enemy. He remembers Jeno’s happy face, but Renjun’s proud expression is tattooed in his mind.

There’s walking to the market on weekends on shopping errands for Kun. Donghyuck clings to his side like an overprotective friend, but a friend nonetheless. The market’s fresh produce and stolen pastries are the taste of joy to Jisung. Twinkling bells and charms from the magic stand echoes in his mind. Renjun’s gentle voice as he encourages Jisung to take a bite of a new fruit is at the forefront of his mind. And still, Chenle’s dolphin squeaks as Jisung scowls at the fruit rings in his ears for long. The memory is sweet, and Jisung adores it.

There are starless midnights in the back garden, staring at the vast sky as Jisung munches on cookies. Kun is the last of the staff to leave most days, and the brief moments Jisung shares with the elder smells lemony, with a hint of bitter chocolate. Kun lets him confess his worries with no remarks, only encouraging words. His arms are warm and soft as Jisung starts to cry at the prospect of something more for his heart. He knows Renjun is way out of his league, and that his soulmate lies beyond the walls of Caritas. Still, Kun whispers reassurance to Jisung every night. Renjun’s reading voice from his early days stays in Jisung’s ears with every word Kun whispers. He’s only a chef, and yet Kun made the mansion home.

There’s scheming and pranking the house steward, Johnny. Jisung remembers the smell of mischief—strawberry cookies and concoctions of plans on weathered paper. The feeling of excitement drumming his bones as the plan executes and pure bliss as Johnny gets caught under yet another bucket of paint. He’s never mad, patience stretching impossibly long. There’s the feeling of Johnny’s freshly washed clothes as he carries Jisung home from an exhausting day of scheming. His accomplice, Chenle, waves to them as they leave. Renjun only shakes his head in disbelief. He called Jisung childish, and yet a fond smile is on his lips. Jisung falls in love with it, all over again

There’s overhearing Renjun talk to Chenle one night, about how he can’t join the Warden program without proper funding or an act of heroism. Jisung remembers feeling rough wood on his hand as his heart hammers. He remembers the blistering cold winter night as Jisung tries to run home. The library warden, a gentle giant named Lucas, had caught him last minute and sat Jisung down for a talk. The warden is intimidating and big, unlike Renjun, yet their auras were one and the same. Jisung knows Renjun belongs with the Wardens, and that he can easily help the elder get in. 

And yet, Jisung aches to spend his days and nights with Renjun in his arms. Lucas listens to his breakdown, sympathetic tapping on wood echoing throughout the library’s front room.

“Sometimes, the best way you can love someone is to let them go.”

Jisung traces Renjun’s face in his head a million times that night.

The last memory Jisung holds close in his childhood chest is talking to Yuta, the Captain of the Wardens. He had meant to come and ask for qualifying for the Warden program, and he got the confirmation he needed. Renjun needed to be either heroic enough to save a human life or backed up by a wealthy family. A family-like Jisung’s. He knows Taeyong had long decided to find Renjun, yet Jisung hoped for it to be a little different. Yet, meeting Yuta was strangely reassuring, as if the elder felt the same pain Jisung felt about letting go. Nakamoto Yuta, Captain of the Warden Guards. Yuta and his sad smile, longing eyes and regret filled musings. He was alone in the world, unlike most wardens, and Jisung fears Renjun will become the same. At the sight of Jisung, Yuta only seems to be sadder, as if Jisung was happy memory he once had. It was ridiculous because Yuta is 1) not old enough to be Jisung’s dad and 2) a sad single. The smell of cherry blossom clings onto the warden faintly, as if he tried to hold onto it with every dwindling day. 

Jisung remembers the cherry blossom tree outside Taeyong’s study window.

He wonders if Renjun will share Yuta’s fate. Then Jisung wonders if he’ll be like that. The life of a warden is never easy, boring hours filling his mundane days, and yet any excitement comes with the overbearing sense of danger. But it was the best way to protect the ones you love.

Jisung had always been talented at fighting.

.

.

.

_/\\_

( 0 ~ 0 )

.

.

.

The day Jisung decided to become a Warden, Caritas had practically exploded. 

The son of the Chancellor of Magic, with powerful magic in his veins coming from unknown parentage, choosing to become a guard instead. A guard, with no use for such powerful magic or his high status. Caritas’s sweetheart, throwing himself into a repetitive life of training and standing guard, with no thought of love or romance. It’s true that most Wardens have no romantic partner, but there was no rule against it. Which means, Jisung had a shot with Renjun.

The press had harassed Taeyong about Jisung’s decision endlessly, but his father’s response was the same every time.

“He’s a person, not a robot. My son can choose to become whatever he wants, regardless of what I think of it.”

His tone is always ice cold in the interviews. Jisung wonders if the Chancellor of Magic had truly approved of his decisions.

“Sungie? What are you doing here?” Jisung peeks open his head. His father’s study is dim, with only the crackling fireplace and the oil lamp for light. A thick sweater envelopes Taeyong’s thin frame, and he has half a mind to ask Taeyong if he’s even eaten that night. Of course, he hasn’t, that’s why Jisung was here. An emergency at Summer’s Reach had recently reached Caritas, and Taeyong has been pushing himself too far. Jisung brings him a cup of hot cocoa and dinner up to the study nightly, leaving it on his side desk and slipping out easily without a word. Taeyong doesn’t notice him for the most part, and Jisung is glad. He doesn’t know if he has the courage to confront his creeping fear of not having validation for his choices. Today, he wasn’t too lucky.

“I’m just leaving you some dinner, dad. Kun-hyung made stew today. It doesn’t taste too bad when cold.” Taeyong looks at him with searching eyes, like he’s trying to detect some ulterior motives. Sighing, the older male stands up from his chair.

“Have you had dinner yet, pumpkin?” Taeyong’s tone is gentle, fatherly affection seeping through his every word. Jisung takes a seat on the armchair across from Taeyong by the fireplace. He puts the stack of books on the small table on the ground before shaking his head.

“Not yet, dad. I was, um, hoping to eat with you?” He squeaks shyly. Taeyong only smiles in response.

“Sometimes, feel free to just pull me out of my trances, okay? You must’ve been leaving dinner in my study all week.” Taeyong reaches over and pats Jisung’s hair down. It was a little blown up from Jisung running up the stairs, the wind carrying the tray.

“You always seemed so busy. I take my bowl to my room afterwards anyways.” The fire crackles eagerly, growing a little brighter at the presence of two magic users in the room.

“I love having dinner with you Sungie. I never mind.” Jisung knows that. But his natural shyness just stops his tongue from slipping out those kinds of questions. His mind wanders to Chenle, who in his mind is chiding him for being so quiet. How could he simply choose to be quiet, when so much is out there to be said and shouted? Chenle is quite loud, and Jisung is quite quiet. Opposites attract, it seems, because Chenle was his best friend.

“How’s work?” Jisung asks between slurps of lukewarm stew. Being magic users, both could easily just heat the stew up and enjoy it at its best. But sometimes, one becomes close over mundane things like lukewarm stew.

“It would be better without the press constantly on my tail.” Taeyong snorts, looking more human and rosy with food in his body.

“ _ Oh, would you please tell us some words about your son’s rebellion?”  _ Taeyong’s voice raises in pitch, imitating the nosy notepad holders. Jisung laughs at the imitation, eyes curving up into moon-like crescents. Taeyong takes this as motivation. He picks up his spoon and holds it towards an invisible force, somewhere over by the fireplace. Jisung briefly imagines all the stacks of books as relentless reporters and bursts into giggles again.

“Well, I’ll tell you some words: Hurry off before I turn you all into asses.” Taeyong huffs. Jisung howls in laughter, doubling over as he imagines a hoard of donkeys stampeding the room and out of the window. Taeyong joins his giggles, fond smile on his lips.

“You can be whatever you want pumpkin. As long as you’re happy.” Jisung Starr’s at him in disbelief. His father may claim otherwise, but Taeyong is a mind reader. Intuitive to emotions? Nah. Mind reading? Definitely.

“But what if it’s not who I am that makes me happy, but the people I’m around?” Jisung wonders aloud. Taeyong only sighs.

“Then it seems you’re at a crossroad. You can try to find alternative routes, but life always makes you choose in the end. Love or your career.” Jisung frowns. He thinks of Renjun, who would willingly sacrifice everything he knew to become a warden. Then he thinks of Chenle, who couldn’t care less if the world burned, as long as he was still best friends with Jisung.

“Is that why you’re alone, dad?” Jisung replies instead. His mind thinks of Taeyong, exhaustion in his bones with no one to wash it off, trudging through tiring days after days, only going on Jisung’s smile and attempted encouragements. He thinks of how different Taeyong would be if he had someone to love, and someone who loved him. Maybe he wouldn’t look so tired all the time.

“I never had a choice pumpkin. It was always my career.” Taeyong smiles sadly. Jisung only frowns.

“But you must have loved someone.” He tries to press. Taeyong only looks at him with sad, tired eyes.

“We both choose our careers, pumpkin.” As if a lifetime of pain and loneliness passes through his eyes, Taeyong shrinks into the armchair. Jisung schools his expression into determination.

“Tell me about them, dad. What were they like?” Jisung urges. Taeyong hesitates for a second, before beckoning Jisung over into his lap. Once settled, emptied bowls of stew on the tray and dual mugs of hot cocoa for the cold winter air, Taeyong begins to speak.

“We met at a party, one of those horribly boring ones your grandparents would throw at every chance possible. I was always so lonely, with nothing but the house servants and critters to keep me company, too shy to go and make friends. But it’s not like I could, anyways. Grandfather was always grooming me into the perfect heir.” Taeyong chuckles at a fond memory and the sound came out strangled. It sounded like it caused him pain to remember.

“And then what happens?” Jisung urges. Taeyong smiles.

“You’re too smart for a thirteen-year-old, Sungie-ah. Anyways, he and I met in secret, every night after that. On the balcony of my room, between the two Sakura trees. He showed me how beautiful life truly was, and soon I fell head over heels with him. It was ridiculous, the soon to be heir to he Chancellor title, falling in love with the Warden Guards' newest addition. I suppose that meant our relationship was doomed from the start, but we held onto hope.” Taeyong takes a sip of hot cocoa, Jisung felt terribly familiar with the structure of that love, but he decided to keep quiet. He’s sure Taeyong knows about his crush anyways.

“It always felt so right, hidden away between our laughter and joy. Him holding me in his arms felt safer than any magic rune ever could, and his eyes were like an infinite abyss to me to explore. Loving him felt as natural as breathing as if I couldn’t lose that air. But, in the end, I lost him.” Jisung gasps loudly. 

“Oh no!” He exclaims. Taeyong’s mouth twitches and smoothens into a fond expression with only hints of sadness.

“I asked myself, was he ever worth it? Had I simply fallen in love with the idea of him, a big strong Warden, or had I actually loved him. It was pure hell, seeing him every day but never being able to talk to one another. Constantly too busy, constantly too far, constantly too different.” Taeyong laughs bitterly.

“I vowed to myself to let you have a choice between career and love, and I prayed you would choose right. I can’t tell you which one is better than the other, but I can tell you something else pumpkin.” Taeyong wrapped his arms around Jisung just a little tighter. As if to say  _ you’re safe with me.  _

“A distinction, pumpkin. Career is being in love with what you mean to others. Love is being in love with only one person. The important thing is that you love someone for what they mean to you. Not what they mean to others.” Jisung’s brain chugs at mega speed.

“What do you mean dad?” He asks although he has a guess at what the answer is. Taeyong smiles.

“Do you truly love Renjun? Or is it just the idea of him.”

For once, Jisung couldn’t answer him.

“I don’t know.” Taeyong ruffles his hair.

“You have four years to figure it out. Four years of training, spending little time with him and being constantly distant yet close. You’ll figure out the answer.” Jisung nods numbly. Then, he gets an idea.

“Who was the guy you fell in over with, dad?” Taeyong chuckles.

“The Captain of the Wardens.” Jisung nods thoughtfully.

“You deserve a second chance, dad. You can have love and your job at the same time.” Taeyong shakes his head.

“It’s too late for that. He probably doesn’t even remember me.” Jisung snorts. He thinks of Yuta and his fond eyes at the memory or mention of Taeyong, and he canny help but roll his eyes.

“It’s never too late, dad. Please be happy.”

.

.

.

_/\\_

( 0 ~ 0 )

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.

.

Jisung’s life soon becomes windy days of training until his bones are sore. It’s a blur of consistency, where Jisung feels more and more like a golem with each passing day. His only joy is Renjun, who visits every few days. Their meetings are far and few in between, yet the sight of Renjun lights him up like a match. Four years older, Renjun had long graduated when Jisung entered the program. Their conversations are curt and polite, yet on one monthly night, Renjun pulls him to the clock tower and they share stories. A conversation that starts out as hours became minutes the busier they get.

Jisung has heard of distance, but feeling it when Renjun was next to him felt too painful.

Chenle shows up at his dorms every few days, whenever he can get away with it, and he pulls Jisung out of his repetitive lifestyle. They come back to the library, which still felt like home. Renjun, the protective idol Jisung always looked up to, was never there, but the others were. 

Jaemin, who had become junior librarian, welcomes him with open arms. Jisung’s old trainer Jeno hangs around often, and he wonders if that had anything to do with Jaemin’s bright smile. If anything, they both seemed so happy.

Taeil, who was all but retired, still welcomes him with an open back door and treats. At some point, Jisung remembers Taeil’s grandfather smile more than Renjun’s gentle one. 

It gutted him.

There was a new constant to him and a Renjun. It wasn’t happy bedtime stories or trying new things at the market. It wasn’t shared with Chenle, his lifelong best friend and Renjun’s adopted little brother.

“Why’d you become a warden?” Jisung would ask, at the end of their clockwork conversation. Renjun would tell him ridiculous stories and tragic backstories, breaking Jisung’s heart at the fact that he couldn’t tell whether or not the stories were true or not. Renjun was like a guardian, and Jisung had taken him for granted. He knew next to nothing about a constant in his life.

Jisung wonders if things would have different, had he done something sooner.

He’s determined to heal them, see Renjun as much as possible and be happily in love. He wants Renjun, and he wanted him forever.

This time, Jisung refuses to let go.

.

.

.

_/\\_

( 0 ~ 0 )

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.

.

There’s no fireworks and banners on the third most important day of Jisung’s life. Only a small squad of Wardens, Yuta, his close friends and his dad. Taeyong watches his Warden Ceremony with buzzing pride in his heart, and Jisung can feel the air growing happy with every passing second Taeyong felt happy for his adopted son. They allowed any of Jisung’s close relatives and friends to come watch his Ceremony, and Taeyong had practically called his entire life to assembly. Well, nearly his entire life. His two library friends, Taeil and Jaemin, have important matters to attend to, and Renjun was nowhere in sight.

Renjun...

It was strange to see how someone who used to be there every second of your life just disappear, but Renjun’s Warden duties always left Jisung lonely. Jisung had hoped them both being Wardens meant at least some time together, but the cursed 4 year age gap meant such scheduled overlaps in the way that meant that their conversations were short, far and few in between. His dad had warned him of the possible overlap, but Jisung wasn’t becoming a Warden just for Renjun. He had people whom he loved. His family, and the family servants, who raised and taught him about the world. His friends from the library, instead of school, who became an escape for him when the walls of his manor became too dull. Renjun, the beautiful Warden who was capable of taking care of himself and Jisung at the same time. Chenle, his best friend and main accomplice to his entire life. Everyone he knew and loved.

Some, more than others.

The after-ceremony was quiet, most of the family staff and Taeyong himself returning to Cicada Manor to prepare for Taeyong’s Journey to Farrowbends with the new Warden lieutenant. Something about a monster gone wild with chaos magic.

“I’ll be back before you know it.” 

For some reason, Jisung has started to trust that phrase much more.

Before he could even scramble to the carriage back home, Donghyuck and Jeno stop him. For a cat, Jeno sure has a very good grip. They exchange a knowing look with Doyoung, who sighs and nods at Taeyong, who dismisses them with a wave of his hand. He smiles at Jisung, beaming with pride as the carriage pulls off. Before he could even process what is happening, Donghyuck pulls his wrist and they head towards the library across the street.

“Where are we going?” Jisung wonders aloud. Donghyuck, despite all of his formal etiquette and nagging, smiles mischievously.

“You’ll see.”

And see he does. 

The entire eastern wing of the library, where the reading rooms were, is covered in banners and decorations. Floating candles provide a warm glow to the books on the shelves, and all of the reading rooms had their canopy screens removed to create one big, long hall. Sounds of hushed music reach his ears, and Jisung turns to find an orchestra of enchanted instruments. He vaguely recalls how much Chenle likes classical music and makes a mental note to look for Chenle later. 

Later, of course, being now. Chenle shows up in his face first, tackling him in a hug and pulling him through the middle of the influx of people after Jisung’s Ceremony. At the centre of the buzzing commotion, lies his library friends. 

Taeil was on the left, smiling proudly like a grandfather seeing his grandson finally achieving his life goal. 

Jaemin stood on the right, a smile reaching his eyes and he beamed at Renjun. He had glitter in his hair, and Jisung realizes that his friends must have been here decorating while Jisung’s Warden Ceremony had happened outside. 

Finally, Jisung looked at the person in the middle.

“Congratulations.” Renjun smiles. Jisung returns the smile, wondering if his heart was hammering against his chest right now. Surely, he would feel it, seeing as how he had the most hopeless crush on Renjun. But maybe the adrenaline of the day’s event left him a little too buzzed and numb.

“Thank you.” Jaemin claps him on the shoulder, making a show of ruffling his hair before running off and joining the crowd. Taeil slips away during the event, although Jisung has a sneaking suspicion the silver blazer two rows into the crowd was Taeil. 

That left him, Renjun and Chenle at the door of the balcony.

Silence.

Renjun clears his throat.

“Can I talk to Jisung for a second?” Chenle looks at him with squinted eyes. Then he turns to Jisung, flashing his pearly whites in a mischievous smile, before leaving. Whatever the hell motivates that guy... Jisung will probably never find out. 17 years of best-friendship proved futile because he couldn’t even read Chenle’s smile. Or maybe, Jisung just didn’t like the way his heart gulped at what was to come.

“Hey... hyung.” Jisung mumbles. His cheeks feel hot. Why were they hot? It’s only Renjun.

“Hey, Sungie.” Renjun smiles back. The cold air of the night seems to suddenly heat up, and Jisung tries to swallow the lump in his throat.

“What did you want to talk to me about?” Jisung asks, trying to sound steady. Renjun chuckles.

“Straight to the point, I see.” Jisung looks up. Renjun holds his gaze, gentle and happy, yet there’s an undertone of sadness. No, of pity.

“Alright then. You know I am to be transferred to Farrowbends by tomorrow. There may not be any open positions for Warden lieutenants here in Caritas, but Farrowbends has always been the site of much carnage. I wanted to say goodbye to you before I go, and to give you some advice.” Jisung frowns at the news.

“You’re leaving?” He asks, voice failing in disbelief. He had only just finished his own training, and Renjun was going to leave the next day. Jisung braces himself for the heartbreak, for it to feel devastatingly painful. For eternal torment and heart-wrenching disappointment.

And yet... he felt free. Jisung, for some awful reason, felt... open. Like his heart and mind had decided something they thought Jisung wasn’t worth informing of.

“I’ll be back during the holidays.” Renjun tries, tone still light and cheerful. Jisung tries to bottle the memory, just so he can feel it later. But his mind already starts to forget Renjun’s soft smile. He never did that before. Stupid brain making stupid decisions without Jisung’s consent.

“I’ll barely see you.”

“You rarely do anyways.”

There it was. The truth. It hurts Jisung in ways he thought wasn’t possible. Their conversations, always looping and ending up at the same spot. Deep respect and admiration, and yet their friendship are practically nonexistent. In a horrible moment, Jisung finally realizes that he didn’t know the man standing in front of him. He wanted to reach out and hold Renjun in a tight hug, to learn anything and everything about him. To rewind back to him begging the Captain of the Wardens to take in Renjun. But Lucas’s words haunt him to no end.

_ Sometimes, the best way you can love someone is to let them go. _

“And your advice?” Jisung croaks. His eyes feel wet, and his voice sounded impossibly hoarse considering how okay it was just moments ago.

“Move on Sungie. Find someone else. And this time, fall in love with them, and not the idea of them.” 

_ You love someone for what they mean to you. Not what they mean to others. _

“I had a crush on you.” Jisung finds himself whispering. His voice is low and choked, almost as if he didn’t want Renjun to hear it. Renjun only smiles that pitying smile of his.

“I know.”

Silence. 

Jisung stares at Renjun, who knew all along. An expression of pure pity, and a hint of regret. He could work with that regret, convince Renjun to love him too. But that felt wrong. To manipulate someone like that, magic or not, felt horribly wrong.

“Why did you want to become a Warden?” He asks. Renjun grins lopsidedly. A consistency in heir conversation. At least they kept something.

“To protect people.” He had replied. No stories, complicated morals, tragically fake backstories or dramatics. Just three simple words.

People. He wanted to protect the people. Not Jisung. Never Jisung.

“Goodbye, hyung.”

“Goodbye, Sungie.”

And then, Renjun just left.

Jisung bends over in tears, grateful for the balcony’s y’all trees and hanging canopies. He weeps and weeps, mind clawing at the memory of Renjun. He tries to imagine the future again, one with Renjun in it. The same result always comes up. 

“Sungie!” A high pitched voice yells out. Jisung’s vision remains misty, and yet the voice stings on his mind.

“Lele.” He croaks out, throat scratchy and raw with exhaustion.

“Are you okay? Did Renjun do something to you? I saw him walk inside alone and so I just had to come out and check on you and—“

“I’m fine Lele. I’m fine.” Chenle purses his lips.

“You’re not.”

“I’ll be fine.” Jisung cries instead. Chenle seemingly accepts the answer, if only for the sake of not arguing further.

“You’ll be fine.” Chenle mumbles, hand rubbing soothing circles on his back. With a start, Jisung remembers Renjun doing it to him too. But despite having the same sized hands, Renjun’s rubs always felt too strange. Too unfamiliar. He was an older brother, a mentor, a supporter. But for all the listening skills Renjun had, he simply was not a comforter. It never felt right for Jisung.

Chenle.

Chenle felt right, and Jisung breaks down again.

“Sungie? Sungie!” Chenle panics, eyes wandering around for help.

“Don’t. Please. Just. Let me cry.” Jisung croaks. Chenle hesitates for a second, before relenting. He settles himself into the balcony floor and begins to recount a tale of grimoires in the library. Jisung has heard it a million times before, and all from Renjun. 

And yet, Chenle tells it with such enthusiasm and joy that Jisung feels like he’s only heard of it for the first time.

_ Treat him well.  _ Yuta had said knowingly one day when Jisung was training in the middle of the night and Renjun had dragged him back to bed. Jisung had told him he would be the one who’s taken care of and not Renjun. Yuta had only shaken his head and said “not him” then.

Maybe he was more obvious than he thought. 

Apparently, not obvious enough for himself.

Jisung pictures the future again. The one with the apple orchard and couple’s bench. He imagines himself sitting on the bench, head lying on another’s shoulder. There’s a soft melody in the background, like angelic kind of singing. He suddenly gets an idea.

“Lele, can you sing for me?” Chenle stops mid-story and looks at him, confused. But only for a moment, because an exasperated smile takes over his lips mere moments later.

“What song?”

“A lullaby.” So Chenle sings a lullaby. It’s the same one Doyoung used to sing to put Jisung to bed, way back when he was a small child. The scene in Jisung’s mind feels more tangible with every lilt of Chenle’s voice, and Jisung can start smelling the sweet scent of apples in the summer. He scoots over to Chenle, facing the stars and leaning his head on the other’s shoulder. Then, he closes his eyes.

The scene felt unimaginably more real now, and Jisung finally understood.

_ Fall in love with them, and not the idea of them. _

  
  
  


Renjun was magic to Jisung, but he gave that wonderful thing up long ago.

**Author's Note:**

> To the readers,
> 
> Ahhhhhhh! I had so much fun with this fic! It was hell to write, and all the angst WHOOPED my ass, but I'm happy with how it turned out. I was debating whether or not the ChenSung ending would be unsatisfying, but I had mostly picked this prompt with the idea of how others affect a relationship. I hoped to convey how Jisung's surroundings and environment would affect his choices in the RenSung, and I wanted to break away from a lot of common tropes and storyline. It was my goal to make people surprised, and I hope this did! I'm slightly sad at the lack of RenSung out there, but I suppose this didn't help with that lo. If it helps, you could assume that last part never happened and imagine a happy ending for them! In any case, I'm going to now thank my amazing beta, Bit, for helping me with this thing.
> 
> Signing off,  
Cat


End file.
